Toddler Behavior

Toddler Behavior - it's challenging. They're not called the "terrible two's" for nothing.

As a parent, you know that the problems often start about 18 months and some children have issues beyond the 3rd birthday, but the principles are the same.

These are my tips for child behavior management and toddler discipline and then there are links to pages on specific problems.

Dr Maud's Tips for Understanding Toddler Behavior

Remember he's only a child

You are dealing with a child. He doesn't have common sense and he can't reason. If you expect that he does have common sense or can reason, you will be very frustrated.

Your child is exhibiting normal toddler behavior. He doesn't have a malicious streak - he's just doing what children do. It's part of normal child development to want to be the center of attention. Getting your attention is what it's about. He'll do that in whatever way works.

It's up to you to make sure that attention is given for behaviors you want and not given for behaviors you don't want.

It's all about the "Here and Now"

Children live in a short time frame. The upside of this is that toddlers don't bear grudges. The downside is that they won't remember that they were "out-of-control" earlier when Dad comes home.

So any management of toddler behavior needs to be immediate. Your child won't get it if you wait to discipline him until later. Positive reinforcement needs to be immediate as well.

Be clear and consistent

Your child needs to get clear messages from you and you need to be consistent. It's no use laughing about a particular toddler behavior one day and then the next day being cross about it. Both parents need to be giving the same message, as well.

Your child doesn't understand subtleties or mixed messages. Make sure your body language doesn't give a different message from what you're saying.

Don't sweat about the small things

Give your child a break. He's not going to behave perfectly all the time. Don't nag at every little thing. Concentrate on the big stuff (the toddler behavior you find unacceptable) and get that right.

Remember, childhood is about having fun and learning new things. Learning new things involves getting it wrong from time to time. Be there to support your child through those times not to make it harder for him.

Consider the behavior not the child

Your child will exhibit unacceptable behavior and be "out-of-control" from time to time. That doesn't make him a "bad" child. When you are unhappy with your toddler's behavior, make it clear that it is the behavior, not the child, that you don't like.

No child likes being always told he is bad or naughty - if that is all he's told, he will believe that to be the case and if that is all anyone expects of him, eventually, that is all anyone will see.

Give your child alternatives, so for example, say "I don't like you speaking rudely like that. I like it when you are polite and say please."

It's not a democracy

Not everything that happens in your family is by consensus. You have right of veto. You are the parent. There are times when discussion is not appropriate.

You don't always have to explain everything to your child as he continues with the "why, why??" Sometimes, saying "it is this way because I say so" is enough. You can dictate what toddler behavior is acceptable for you.

Don't fight with your toddler

It is a fruitless exercise getting into an argument or fight with your toddler. You are the adult and you have to resist.

When your child says "I hate you" as a toddler will do, either ignore it completely or answer as my sister does, calmly and casually, "that's a shame. I still love you." Potential fight over.

Positive Reinforcement Works

Positive reinforcement is the best form of child and toddler behavior management. Give lots of positive attention for behaviors you want to see.

We are so good at criticising but less good at giving positive feedback. Your child needs the positive feedback. So, when he is being "good", tell him, make a fuss about how good he is and how much it pleases you.

I was in the supermarket the other day and heard a mother telling her little girl, "that was very good listening". Perfect positive reinforcement.

You might even want to consider using a reward chart.

Ignore Unacceptable Behavior

Ignoring, or more correctly failing to give reinforcement, works. Your child's motivation is to get attention (and sometimes he doesn't care how) - if he doesn't get attention, he will try something else.

You have to be consistent, though. If your child thinks that there is a possibility of attention, because he got some last time, he'll keep trying for a while. So you need to persevere.

If you're not sure why your child behaves as he does or what's in it for him, read the ABC of Understanding Toddler Behavior.

Use Time-Out for "Out of Control Behavior"

Time-out is a very effective tool for changing toddler behaviour. It is actually "time out" from positive reinforcement.

Once your child knows you mean business, because you are clear and consistent and follow through on what you say, you will be able to get the behavior you want with the threat of time-out, which is very handy, especially if you are at the supermarket.

Don't nag at your child. If you want him to do something and he doesn't, tell him the consequences (for example, time-out) and follow through on it. If the matter doesn't warrant time-out, it doesn't warrant nagging about, so let it go.

Model "good" behavior

Show your child how you want him to behave - it's very powerful. If you don't want your child to swear and curse, don't do it yourself.

Teach your child what your family principles are - say "we say thank you in our family" or "we don't swear in our family" and then make sure that is the case.

If your child is whingeing and whining, say "just ask nicely, you don't need to whinge". and then act on the asking nicely.

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Specific Toddler Behavior Problems

Read more about these specific toddler behaviour problems:

• temper tantrums - do you want to know how to manage those screaming attacks?
• sleep problems - need to know how to get your child to sleep through the night?
• eating problems - is your child the picky eater who doesn't eat meals?
• breath-holding spells - does your child have blue episodes causing unconsciousness?
• biting and hitting - do you want to know how to stop this common toddler behavior?
• terrible two's - you can share your experience with this common problem, by clicking here.

  If you want to read other visitors' stories about what worked (and even what didn't work) in dealing with toddler behavior problems, click here.

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Useful Resources

• Consistent Parenting Advice

  - Discover the simple but profound difference clear, firm and consistent parenting advice will bring to your family. Read how to enhance your children's happiness, self esteem and responsibility while at the same time being enabled,as a parent, to increase and develop your own emotional maturity

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References

• Green C. Toddler Taming. Doubleday. 2001. ISBN: 1 86471 053 5

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To go to the top of the Toddler Behavior page, click here

To read about Reward Charts, click here

To read about Time Out, click here

To really understand your toddler's behavior, click here

To read about other visitors' experiences and insights, click here

To share your "terrible two's" experience, click here

To read about sleep problems, click here

To read about temper tantrums, click here

To read about Breath Holding Spells, click here

To read about managing the child who won't eat, click here

To read about how to manage Biting and Hitting, click here

To read about normal child development, click here

To return to the Home page, click here

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Last reviewed 25 February 2008

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